Treat them like a cat

People are complicated. Relationships are complicated. I want to be helpful and caring, but there are times when it’s hard to know how involved to get with some folks.

There’s a phrase my wife and I use to summarize our approach to certain people. We say, “treat them like a cat”.

We’ve had cats all our lives. Some of them like to talk at you — they mew and yowl and pace around as if something important is being said.

It’s fun to jump into the conversation with them. You nod and act interested because it seems important to the cat: “Oh yah?” “Is that right?” “Uh-hah.” “Well that may be.” You hold up your end of the conversation, and it makes them happy. But you’re not really emotionally involved because … it’s a cat.

At certain times, that’s good strategy with people. Be polite. Stay in the conversation, but don’t become part of their turmoil.

“Treat them like a cat” developed during our child-raising years, one of the strategies we stumbled on trying to maintain our mental balance.

We have three great children, now in their 30s. But, growing up, there were times when they were going through stuff that either: 

- We couldn’t effect — they were going to do what they were going to do, and we knew it.

- Or there was something difficult they needed do and more talk wouldn’t help. They needed to act.

As parents, you’re always emotionally involved — it’s wired in. Then you discover that there are times when staying involved leaves you crazy and them no better off. It’s dysfunctional. It may make you feel valuable, but it’s no help to add your upset to their upset.

So “treat them like a cat” became a shorthand we understood, an easy-to-grasp metaphor for “be kind and loving, but the best thing to do right now is make sure you don’t make their problem into your problem.”

My wife and I will be reporting on our day and one of us will say, “I decided to treat them like a cat.” Or we'll be talking with someone about a troubling relationship and we’ll suggest, “You might want to try treating them like a cat.”

It’s not the only answer, but it may help.